Chester the Gnome*
By Rick Turton
*To the tune of “Big Bad John” - with deepest, most sincere apologies to Jimmy Dean and Roy Acuff.
He stood two-foot one and weighed, oh, ‘bout five.
Kinda’ broad at the shoulders with a pointy little head
Everyone knew ya’ should fear and dread... Ches-ter...
Ches-ter... Ches-ter-er... Chester Gnome
Nobody seemed to know where Chester came from
Just drifted to the lawn and stood off in the sun.
He didn’t say much, (‘cuz what can gnomes say)
And if you spoke at all, ya’ just said “Hey” to Ches-ter,
Ches-ter... Ches-ter-er... Chester Gnome
Somebody said he’s from Abilene,
Where he got in a fight over a sprite named Queen
And a crashin’ blow from his stubby right hand
Sent a lawn supply troll to the Promised Land... Ches-ter,
Ches-ter... Ches-ter-er... Chester Gnome
Then came the day at the back of the yard,
When a tree fell over and the elves cried hard
Sprites were a-prayin’ and hearts beat fast,
All the gnomes there thought they’d breathed their last
‘Cept Chest
Ches-ter... Ches-ter-er... Chester Gnome
Through the leaves and the twigs of that Evil Squirrel’s hell
Walked a giant of a gnome that the pixies knew well,
Grabbed the door of the shed, and gave out with a groan,
And like a short, stumpy elf he stood there alone – Ches-ter,
Ches-ter... Ches-ter-er... Chester Gnome
With all of his strength, he gave out with a grunt,
Then a goblin yelled out, “There’s a light out in front!”
And twenty-some elves scrambled from a would-be grave,
Now there’s only one left in there to save – Ches-ter
Ches-ter... Ches-ter-er... Chester Gnome
With hammers and timbers, they started back in
Then up came the thunder, and terrible din,
And leaves and twigs belched out of that shed,
Everyone knew... that Chester was dead.
Ches-ter... Ches-ter-er... Chester Gnome
Now they never reopened that worthless shack,
But in front of it, they placed a plaque.
These few words are written on that tomb...
“Under this tree, lies one hell of a Gnome!
Ches-ter”
Ches-ter... Ches-ter-er...
Chester Gnome